• Jane Juffer

Why are the guards yelling at me?

Updated: Nov 16, 2020

August 9, 2020

It is 12:45 p.m. I cannot sleep. I’m listening to music to try to make myself feel better because I feel very bad. My self esteem is very low and I don’t know how to feel better. I decided to try writing, to try to express a little of how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. With tears in my eyes, I think my life no longer has any meaning. I’m thinking of hurting myself so that I no longer have to feel what I’m feeling. A short time ago, I began to scratch myself and did not stop until I saw blood. I feel like I want to hurt myself some more. I know this isn’t good, though, and that’s why I started to write you.

I am thinking about the people in the world I love most, but that does not make me feel better because I had to leave my home because my life was in danger and then I had to leave my country because they wanted to kill me. I had to leave my mother, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, my friends. I had to leave everything to save my life, and here I feel like a criminal, like garbage, like I have been thrown away. I can’t take it any longer, how the officials treat me like garbage. I do not understand what I’m doing to make the officials talk in such an ugly way to me, why they treat me so badly. The official who was here from 4 pm. until 12 p.m., I went at 10:25 p.m. to ask for a rag to clean the table. She was talking on the phone and spoke to me very loudly, yelling at me. I said, what’s wrong, and she just yelled at me again, in English, so I did not understand. Alejandra (a pseudonym) was cleaning the bathroom above, and she came running to see what was happening, as did other women, they all came by to see what was causing the official to yell so loudly. Some of the women, though, started laughing at me, maybe because I could not understand what they were saying. They started talking to the guard, and she just laughed with them. Then one of the woman walked past my bed, with a big smile on her face, and said something to me, I don’t know what.

Today I am going to walk around the yard. I will walk for one hour, and I hope that by doing so, I can relieve a little of the stress I feel here. Maybe I will stop thinking about being here and I will try to imagine myself in my country, doing things that I like to do. Maybe that will give me the strength to go on.

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